Get the Got

I was talking to a prospective client the other night, and he mentioned how their relationship of a few years has become stale. He said you know, like any relationship that has lasted 10 years or so. I had to laugh. Not all relationships are doomed after 10 years. In fact, there are many relationships that last more than 10 years and are thriving. Not only do I see this in my professional life, but 15 years later, my wife and I have never been closer.

I kept talking to this young man about “Get The Got”. I talk about this often. Many couples stop trying when they find the person they are dating. It starts when they stop going out and doing new and exciting things. They spend time together, but they are not together. They are on the phone or on the computer. They talk to each other and not to each other. They start spending more time with friends than with their partner. Sex and / or intimacy is turned off. And finally, they no longer make eye contact. Now what? You lose “The Got”.

I’m not sure if I was surprised that her perception of a long-term relationship was just cohabitation. But the trend I’m noticing is that younger couples lack interpersonal skills to keep them engaged. This does not suggest that older couples do not separate, because they do. But true intimacy seems to be a skill those under 30 are struggling with. And I’m not just talking about establishing a relationship. I’m talking about this whole generation of Netflix and chill.

It’s absolutely bad to go out and experience a lot of people and have fun. {Just be careful.} In fact, I think it’s really healthy. I am referring specifically to those who have had such experiences and constantly complain that love does not last. However, when you ask them what they do to keep the relationship fresh, they say something like, “I’m the same person I was when we started dating.” That’s great, but if you are the same person you were 5 years ago, what new skills are you bringing to the relationship?

Relationships don’t have to be complicated. Keep investing in your “got.” But go one step further and invest in yourself too. Many couples distance themselves because one is investing in herself and the other is not. What I find really interesting is that couples don’t even have to have the same interest while growing up. They just need to grow. Just by becoming a full human being, he often excites his “got.” Learning new things and having different experiences often brings couples together.

Think about it. When you are dating for the first time, you want to know everything about the other person. In fact, you enjoy listening to their stories. What happens when you run out of stories and none of you are bringing something new to the table? Intimacy is lost. To maintain your “got” you are going to have to grow. Either together or on your own. We long for connection. But are we working to preserve it? We want privacy. But are we willing to work? We want a lasting relationship. But are we willing to treat our “got” as we still need to get?

I do not have all the answers. But I do know that if we want to keep our “got”, we have to work to achieve it. And we should. Part of the process is self-exploration. Because if we don’t call ourselves by our own BS, we will be leaving that task to our “got”. And just like when we started dating, we showed up with our “A” game. Just because we have our “got” doesn’t mean they deserve less now.