Respect beyond ma’am and sir

December 26, 2022 0 Comments

I’ve been talking to my friends lately about respect. In particular, we have been talking about teaching our children to say “ma’am and sir.” This is a very touchy subject for African Americans. Some of my closest friends are horrified by children who won’t say “yes sir or no ma’am” to adults. They say that it is a mark of respect for young people to say “ma’am and sir.” And it’s disrespectful not to. However, when pressed to explain or explore where that belief came from, they quickly shut down. Often resting on the idea, “my parents taught me to respect my elders. And that is what I will teach my children.” As if these simple words were an incantation that magically generates respect. I would like to explore and challenge our idea of ​​how we nurture and develop respect among our children in a modern society.

Traditionally, blacks have held themselves to the highest standards of respect and decorum. My parents and grandparents demanded that we show them the highest degree of respect. We were instructed in the practices that showed his reverence to his position of authority. For example, most blacks can remember that these phrases are frequently used,

“Always say please and thank you.”

“Always say ‘yes sir and no ma’am’.”

“Don’t talk while adults are talking.”

“Children are to be seen and not heard.”

“Don’t answer to adults.”

“Do what I tell you to do.”

“I am your father. I am not your friend.”

“Don’t ask me ‘why’. Do as I told you.”

All these mantras are designed to outline the relationship between child and adult. In general, the line between parent and child should never be crossed. Crossing that line in the black community often resulted in a quick and sharp correction. I have seen children try the line in supermarkets, hair salons, churches and schools. The response was usually a stern look or a quick flick of the hand. Questioning a parent’s decision in my mother’s day was unheard of. My grandmother ruled with an iron fist and a leather belt. You never wanted to “cross” my grandmother. At 80 years old she gave me and my brother Drummond one of the worst beatings in life. Not even my older brother’s advice, “just say yes ma’am to all his questions” would save us from that scourge. We never did another disrespect to Grandma again. However, I ironically lost a bit of my reverence for her. For many years, I feared my grandmother, but I don’t think she really respected her. And this idea is what worries me the most. I believe that blacks mix fear and respect.

Blacks in America have a two-faced tradition around issues of respect. Since the days of slavery, we were taught to obey our white slave owners. There were two main tools that they used to achieve this goal. First it was fear. The slave master used many tools to terrify the slave into obedience. The first layer was the language of obedience. This was the longest-lasting practice of slavery. After the whipping, lynching, rape, and other terrorist tactics of slavery were dissolved, the practice of whites calling blacks “boy” and blacks calling whites “sir” endured. However, even as we spoke the words of respect, our anger and resentment boiled inside. The second conditioning tool was his interpretation of religion. We were given a religious perspective that called for humility and obedience as forerunners of the heavenly promise. We were literally told that we had to obey the teacher to get to heaven. This spiritual conditional has become part of the religious DNA of the black community. As a result of these two enduring practices, the language of obedience and the spiritual command to obey, blacks have been the most accommodating subgroup in America.

This might be the most destructive of all time of slavery’s negative metal legacies. While there are many practices from that excruciating experience called slavery that have endured, our commitment to following the rules can be very unproductive for us. Accepting the status quo has resulted in blacks being the lowest-paid subgroup in America. We have also had the least political influence due to our silent compliance with politicians. We’ve had a “Yes boss” mentality about everything important. We’ve been saying “Yes, sir” when really we should be saying “Hell no!” We should demand higher wages. We should demand better funded schools. We should demand a fair criminal justice system. But instead, we show our respect by saying “yes sir” to financial, social and political policies that completely disrespect us.

White people don’t force their children to say “sir and ma’am.” I worked at a school that had a tradition of students referring to their teachers by their first names. White parents rarely had a problem with that. This practice was emblematic of our teaching pedagogy. We emphasize the student-teacher relationship as the foundation for learning. The idea is that the classroom is a place for the exchange of ideas between students. The teacher and the student are both learners. The teacher’s role is defined as a facilitator and the student’s role is that of a scholar (one who seeks knowledge). However, most black parents were horrified by the idea of ​​their son referring to a teacher by his first name. Many of the new black children politely placed a Mr. or Mrs. before their teachers’ first names. This usually lasted a semester before the article was discarded.

This debate about what is respectful language is really ridiculous. Some of the most respectful children in our country today are white children who don’t say “sir and ma’am.” Whereas some of the most disrespectful kids are the black ones who say “sir and ma’am” while littering in your yard or showing more than a few inches of butt while their pants fall below the waist. If you look up the word “ma’am,” many dictionaries say the word is nearly extinct. Senator Barbara Boxer declined to speak in her response “Don’t call me ma’am.” However, we cling to it by tradition. It is more like a condition, which has us clinging to this practice.

As humanity evolves, the truth should be the highest goal of any society. Let’s discover our highest truth through discussion. True respect starts with doing the hard work of talking to children. My tenth grade English teacher, whom I call Mr. Jenkins, says that “education is a confrontation with ignorance.” This means that we need to have a dialogue with the children. We shouldn’t see questioning him as disrespectful. Children must be heard and seen. We need to discuss what practices will be good for our children in the future, not just blindly practice what we have been taught. John Milton said: “Let her and Falsehood face each other; who knew that Truth got worse in a free and open meeting?” Through brainstorming, we come to our collective agreements on how we should interact with each other. Let’s continue to have the dialogue, “Please, sir.”

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *