What all interpersonal relationships thrive on and how to get it

August 6, 2022 0 Comments

Are you aware of the great need that every person harbors inside? It is often denied because we are taught to be self-sufficient and tough individualists. The need: someone to trust, a best friend to turn to at any time and feel confident in his presence. Why? Because many times we have to express what we are feeling. We always need good listeners.

Psychologists and therapists of all kinds tell us about the supreme importance of having friends, a social circle in whom to trust and relate. In fact, many will say that good friends are more important than any vitamins you can take.

How can we consciously build a strong network of friends? Over the years, I have found four key concepts that anyone can develop and work with that result in satisfying this vital human need for interaction. I call them the four A’s. Master them and you will grow in wisdom, friendships and happiness.

1. Warning. We’re led to believe that singletons are constantly seeking attention, and we hear people say that often. The truth is, we all want attention, from the right people, at the right times, and in the right places. How we provide care, with respect, warmth, and sincerity, is at the heart of relationship building. Using a person’s first name, nickname, or title can be appropriate as a start (greeting someone with just a hello is not the same as a hello Barb).

But think of all the other ways you can give attention: a phone call, a greeting card, a gift, flowers, a visit, a smile, a walk, a letter, a compliment, even a loaf of bread. There are endless ways to pay attention to others. Being vigilant as to how and when is key in building relationships.

2. Acceptance. Accepting others as they are, not as we want them to be, is an internal decision that is clearly manifested in our external behavior. Just because you don’t like long hair, body piercings, baggy pants, wrinkled clothes, or someone’s appearance is no reason to dismiss them as not living up to your standards. Treating someone like a second-class citizen, sometimes even unknowingly, is often intuitively displayed and picked up by others in non-verbal behavior.

We all want to be accepted for who we are at this point in life. How do we show acceptance of others? With a genuine welcome: a hug, smiling eyes, a warm handshake (with the non-dominant hand on top of the recipients) and/or the name greeting. Acceptance is also shown when you invite someone to join a conversation, group, or organization. The key is to find ways to express “we are the same”. Sometimes just your presence, without a spoken word, sends the message.

3. Affection. The way we show concern, care, compassion, and love is perhaps the most critical factor influencing how we feel about others. It is at the core of building meaningful relationships, and just as importantly, it reflects how we feel about ourselves. The need to feel loved is present at every stage of development and beyond. The elderly, often isolated and marginalized from society, have a special need for affection and to be touched.

Affection can be shown in many ways, from saying “I love you” to lending a hand in the worst of times. A thousand acts of kindness can send a thousand messages of affection and then some. Remembering the great impact that kindness has on feeling that someone cares and “I am important” is of paramount importance in bonding and relationship.

4. Appreciation. The American philosopher William James, the most influential thinker of his time, said: “The deepest tenet of human nature is the longing to feel appreciated.” In part, this brings us back to the role of care, since showing appreciation for what others do is giving recognition for what has been achieved. We all have a lot of people to thank and show appreciation for all they have done. Developing an awareness of what others accomplish and sincerely showing appreciation will cement any relationship.

Consider writing thank-you notes or letters or, if possible, hand-delivering your thanks for something a friend does. You can appreciate the work, time, talent, treasure, kindness and goods that others give in the service of others.

In short, the bottom line is this: There are literally hundreds, if not thousands, of specific behaviors that can be designed to meet the conditions of the four A’s. In addition to understanding these four factors that ensure the development of strong interpersonal relationships, you must create the specific actions that will satisfy each of the needs.

Let your creativity be your guide. Building friendships and maintaining them requires commitment. Think long and hard about the many ways you can deliver the four A’s. Make becoming an expert at it one of your goals, and you’ll benefit more than you can imagine from satisfying your own secret need for social connection.

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