How to handle a cheater
Finding out that someone you’re in a committed relationship with is unfaithful can be devastating. You are caught in a whirlwind of fear and emotion. How should you handle this situation? As usual, I have a rather unorthodox approach.
Have you ever seen the show “Cheats”? I used to consider it a guilty pleasure until I realized that it contained a great deal of knowledge for someone like me. “Cheaters” follow a “suspect” when their partner believes they may be cheating. After gathering enough videotaped evidence, the suspected partner (cheater), the presenter, a television crew consisting of several cameras, and plenty of security confront the cheater on the spot. It can be in a bar, nightclub, restaurant, hotel room, parked car, etc.
After watching the show for many months, I began to notice a pattern. During the confrontation, one of three scenarios will generally take place. About 80% of the time, the cheater has the opposite reaction to his partner. This means that if the cheater is upset and excited, make comments like, “How could you?” “I gave you everything you wanted”, the cheater has attitude, often gets angry and sometimes runs away. The person they had been cheating with generally had no idea that they were involved in a triangle. It also works in reverse, in the sense that if the cheater says, “That’s it. It’s over. I’m done,” the cheater usually responds with, “I’m sorry. I love you. Let’s figure it out.” The remaining 20% of the time, both parties agree: either they both want to stay together or they both say they are done.
From this pattern, I think it is easy to see that when faced with a cheating partner, you should remain as calm as possible. This is much easier to do if you don’t catch them in the act, but find out when they’re not around. Resist the urge to call them immediately and demand an explanation. Do not contact them until you have calmed down and decided exactly what you are going to do. This can range from one day (wait a minimum of 24 hours) to a week or more.
I once found out through a third party that a guy I was dating was cheating on me. This was the second time I’d caught him, so even though my emotional side didn’t want to let go, intellectually, I knew it had to end forever. We had had a disagreement the day before I found out, so we didn’t speak to each other for about 10 days. At that time, I walked like a zombie, feeling very weak, not wanting to eat. I was grieving for the loss of the relationship.
When he finally appeared on my doorstep, I was done. He tried to claim that the person was a friend, but I didn’t buy it. I was very calm and I went about my business in the kitchen, while he stayed there trying to lie to get out of there. After a few minutes, I waved my hand and said, “Go away. I’m busy.” His response: “I’ll see you later.” Me: No, you won’t. Him: So it’s over? I do!
What happens if you catch your partner in the act? My suggestion is that you don’t say or do anything. Just look them in the eye, expressionless, then turn them and walk away. I know that 99% of those who read this will not be able to do it, but if they really want to know the truth, they must let them show them what it is, whether through their actions or not. Losing control yelling and teasing a scene is never attractive, even if you feel justified. Put yourself in their shoes. If you were the one caught cheating, what reaction would shake you the most? What reaction would you respect the most?
When you get scared, you are actually trying to intimidate and manipulate your partner into reacting to you in a way that ensures that they still care about you. You are like a child having a tantrum to get attention that you don’t feel like you are getting. You’re also giving his ego a huge boost. Your actions are saying: You are so important to me that I am willing to lose control and act temporarily insane. You have so much power over me. Is that really the message you want to send?
This is why saying nothing and walking away is a better reaction. As we learned from “cheats”, they are more likely to apologize and want to figure things out (if that’s what you want) if you stay calm. By not having to defend themselves from your tirade, you give them the space to get in touch with their true feelings for you and your relationship. Not to mention the fact that their respect for you will increase enormously, as it takes strength to just walk away. We all want to be with someone emotionally strong.
Even if they have run after you and begged you to speak to you, this is not the time to speak. You need to overcome the shock of your discovery and they need to think about what they have done. Now he needs to be “incommunicado.” The reason for this is because when people think they have lost someone who was important to them, their true feelings come to light. It’s the old man, “I don’t know what you’ve got until it’s gone.” If they care, they will do whatever it takes to get you back. If they don’t, they won’t and you will be better off without them. Do not answer their calls or answer the door until you are satisfied that they are ready to be honest. Leave them thinking for at least a week or two.
If it turns out that your partner had already left, but forgot to tell you, at least you leave with your dignity, if you don’t freak out. Why give them proof that their decision to leave was correct by acting like a psychopath? If you cause a scene, you will always be in the hall of shame of your relationship. If you walk away with your head held high, you will always be in your relationship hall of fame.