How to never argue again in 3 easy steps!

Does this sound familiar? You love your husband/wife/partner/partner more than anyone.

BUT, when they argue, they end up in a fight trying to get one over on each other with derogatory name calling, belittling, slurs, yelling, name calling, and whatnot.

Why do the most passionate relationships seem to have the biggest explosions?

Conflict is an integral part of any great relationship. There will always be times when you disagree. Arguing can help a strong relationship take the next step in development. You can also put the last nails in the coffin of a weak one.

The problem is not arguing as such but the bad way in which many of us behave when we are doing it. The aftermath leaves us feeling empty, sad, upset, anxious, disconnected, and insecure.

You know that feeling in your tummy and that pain in your heart? It does not hurt!

Arguing often starts after trying to communicate something that bothers you, and yet because of the negative effects a big barney causes, arguing is also something we try to avoid.

The problem with avoiding a potential argument is that problems are also avoided and problems persist.

So wouldn’t it be great if you could discuss without those negative side effects?

Well, you can… but it takes practice and patience, and it’s much easier to pull off if you’re both on the same page.

Communication is the most important function of a relationship and therefore my mission is to help as many people as I can to improve theirs.

By using these 3 easy steps to stop arguing, you’re sure to start communicating better than you ever thought possible.

Step #1: Never argue when you are angry or upset.

This is the absolute most important rule to follow. When your blood boils and you want to rip off the heads of your loved ones, then it’s time to stop. They both need to calm down.

When you’re angry, you can’t think straight and are more likely to say something you don’t really mean. This is also the stage where violence between them can occur.

Whether it is verbal, emotional or physical violence, they are all equally abusive. The negative effects of this type of domestic violence are well documented and no one should live in fear of it happening.

Take a break! Go for a walk or run, watch a movie, read a book or magazine. Do whatever it takes to calm down. To help slow your heart rate, get away for at least 20 minutes.

I think at least an hour works best, but make sure you set a time to get back together to work things out and reconcile.

I personally like to go for a walk. I turn up the music volume and scream at the top of my lungs. No one in the car can hear me and I take out my frustrations by yelling.

It feels good and once I’ve been around the block and maybe caught a glimpse of the ocean, I feel much calmer and ready to communicate again.

Step #2: Don’t blame, point fingers or ‘kitchen sink’.

You know how it feels when you’re attacked. The first thing to do is go straight to defense and close.

You can’t hear, you don’t want to listen, and you’re completely uninterested in the other person’s point of view. So don’t do it with this other one.

‘Sinking in the kitchen’ all your past indiscretions is totally counterproductive. What happened in the past must remain in the past. It is not necessary to build a case against them.

You just need to address the problem. Throwing all your past mistakes at them at once will only create more defensiveness and further distance your lines of communication.

Stick to one problem. Only deal with one problem at a time, this way neither of you will feel overwhelmed. You will have a greater ability to solve the problem by concentrating only on it, and you are more likely to be able to find a solution.

Kitchen: Subsidence was a real problem for me. I could never stick to one topic and my husband would end up defensive and shut down completely. Once I realized that there was no point in bringing up issues we’d already covered, I stopped.

Now our communication channels remain open and we can discuss what we need to with more compassion and empathy.

Say how you feel. When you’re upset about something your partner has done, instead of hitting them and blaming them for all the wrong things they’ve done, think about the problem in terms of how it made you feel.

By expressing your feelings, being vulnerable and open, you give the other person the opportunity to empathize with you and your emotions. Feeling this empathy helps diffuse the argument and allows them to see things from your side as well.

Step #3: Stop trying to win. Why do we often treat our loved one as an evil opponent, stopping at nothing to ‘win’ the match? The problem with fighting to win is that when there is a winner and a loser, the only real loser is the relationship itself.

Instead of trying to win, why don’t you try to listen? Listening is the most important part of communication and very few of us are able to listen well. Our minds wander, we think of something else, and we’re building our response before we’ve even heard what’s been said.

Really listen. Listening is a skill that requires practice and patience. Often when someone tells you about her complaints, you don’t want to hear excuses or solutions, you just want to know that you have been heard and understood.

Try to keep your opinions to yourself and acknowledge what they have said by letting them know you are listening how they feel.

There is nothing more powerful than the feeling of being understood and knowing that the other can see your point of view, even if you do not agree with it.

Since I’m pretty opinionated and usually have a lot of advice to give, I’ve developed a strategy that helps me figure out when my opinion is justified or not.

Before I start offering my advice, I ask my client/loved one if they want to listen to my advice or if they just want me to listen.

This works very well and then it becomes clear to both of us what the motivation is behind why they are revealing what they are to me, plus I know exactly how to respond.

Win/win solution. Once you’ve listened (really listened) to each other’s opinion, you’ll be in a better position to compromise and find a solution that works for both of you.

The solution must be adapted to the needs of both and must have the same level of commitment. When you find a solution that is mutually beneficial, the real winner is your relationship.

Both will feel strong, confident, equal and secure and there will be no residual resentment that can creep into the future.

Being in any relationship, especially an intimate marriage or lifetime partnership, will see its fair share of ups and downs.

Anyone can enjoy and have fun when everything is rosy, but when the proverb hits the fan is when the true strength of a partnership comes to light.

If you communicate constructively by following the steps above, you will have a much better chance of being heard and understood. That way, you will be able to achieve a solution that you are happy with and that you are 100% willing to participate in.