New Mom Support – Who’s Helping You?

My story:

I remember when my daughter, Bryley, reversed day and night. She was 7 weeks old and she was up from 3pm to 7am If she put her down she would start crying so me striving to be perfect do it all mom got up and threw her across the complete night. Needless to say, by the time 7am rolled around, I not only felt utterly exhausted, but also lonely, resentful, overwhelmed, and confused.

The strange thing is:

It never occurred to me to ask anyone for help.

Sounds familiar? If so, you’re not alone:

A lot of the moms I talk to are trying to do EVERYTHING on their own.

Are you trying to do it all?

Answer the following questions and you will find out:

• When was the last time you asked for (and got) some real aid?
• How many times in the last month have you yelled at your
• head “HELP!” Hoping that somehow someone would magically listen
• you and take control even for a while?
• What do you do when you need support, rest or enough rest?

If your answers make it clear that you are a ‘do everything’ (or ‘do too much’) mom, you may benefit from building a support network dedicated solely to you. Your very own ‘new mom support network’ will make sure your ‘requirements’ are met and that you have the opportunity to care for yourself.

FOLLOW THESE STEPS TO CREATE YOUR ‘NEW MOMS SUPPORT NETWORK’:

1. Learn to feel good about asking for help.

Our culture does not teach us that it is beneficial for people to ask for help. Rather, we are taught to value independence and to see asking for help as a sign of weakness and inadequacy: “If you were REALLY a well-adjusted, capable parent, you could take care of everything yourself!” proclaims the voice in our heads.

Is this what you want to teach your child?

Taking the time to feel comfortable asking for help will allow you to become the calm and content mother you want to be. Answer the following questions to understand why it is difficult for her to ask for help and to feel more comfortable receiving the support she needs.

What am I afraid of asking for support?

· How will the way I see myself change if I recognize that I can’t do it alone?

· What would it take for me to get closer to others in order to satisfy my own needs?

What do I worry that others will think if I ask for help or if they know that I am receiving it?

How would I feel if I was backed by a system that allowed me to really feel better every day?

2. Change your approach:

If the negative voices list reasons why you shouldn’t ask for help, replace them with thoughts about how you will benefit from the help you receive.

You’ll:

• Be a happier and more effective mom.
• Feel better physically, emotionally and mentally.
• Feel supported and connected to people you like and respect.
• Feel less stressed and better equipped to handle the challenges that come your way.
• Feeling less resentful and burned.
• Teach your child to feel comfortable asking for and receiving the support they need.
• Teach your child to value himself.

3. Take action:

Choose your top 3 needs (rest, alone time, emotional or parenting support, connection, a clean home, nutritious meals, intimacy, etc.) and choose 1-3 people who can help you meet the need. Your supports can be family, friends, groups, professionals, etc.

New mom support systems often include:

• partner or best friend
• Doula
• Life coach for new mom
• Therapist
• Friend (especially another new mom)
• support group
• play group
• Childcare (so you have time to satisfy your needs for exercise, intellectual stimulation, artistic expression, socialization, etc.)
• Cleaning service, errands or meals
• Health/body specialist (fitness trainer, massage therapist, acupuncturist, chiropractor, nutritionist, etc.)

4. Make a commitment:

Right now, commit to:

1: Ask for help at least 1 time in the next week.
2: Have at least 1 person from your support network scheduled into your life by the end of next month so that one of your needs can be met on a weekly basis.

Copyright, Claudia Heilbrunn, Significant Self