The Making of a Parent: The New “Birds & The Bee’s” Parent Talk in 2016
I sat down and wrote this on Father’s Day 2016. Trust me; this was not planned or intended to matter to the day, although it does.
One week ago, on June 12, 2016, I woke up like it was a typical Sunday morning. My wife, son, and I were getting ready and heading to the 11:00 am church service. When I turned around, my wife said very quietly. “Did you see the shooting?” I blinked and tried to orient myself so as not to wake up. “No,” I muttered and looked at my phone. I started scrolling, and scrolling, and scrolling, as all the news apps on my phone had sent notifications early in the morning. All I saw were words, and my stomach felt like it might throw up. “Shots”, Over 30 Dead, “42 Dead, 36 Injured”, “Gay Club”, and I stopped and turned off my phone.
Although I am a news junkie, I did something that no one who knows me would believe. I turned off my phone, started getting dressed for church, and got ready to go out. I didn’t look at an article, blink, or turn on the news. Nothing.
Physically, I couldn’t force myself to watch a news article or turn on any news station. I couldn’t read another article describing and explaining the “new” American mass shooting. My Facebook “Cover Photo” is still set to “Enough” in remembrance of the San Bernardino shooting, for crying out loud.
It wasn’t until I was driving home from church 3 hours later that I looked down and saw my phone read: “50 dead, 51 injured in Orlando.” My heart aches like never before.
I looked back at my son, watching the cars go by and dancing to the music playing on the radio. He sighed and my wife, who was driving, asked what was wrong. I muttered: “50 dead, 51 wounded.” But, it’s what happened next that shocked. My wife, she looked in the rearview mirror and started to spell out, “THE MASS SHOOTING in Orlando?” And I nodded. I looked at my son, three years old and smart as a whip.
Even though I have a book 95% ready to be published, and a blog that I haven’t posted in over a week, from last Sunday to this Sunday, I didn’t write a word. Not with pen and paper, on my phone or on a keyboard,
Because? Physically I did not dare to do it. The words I wanted to write, I couldn’t conjure up and out. The words she needed were packed tightly under so many feelings, thoughts, questions, and swirling sentences.
It wasn’t a revolutionary realization, but it was for me. As I sat down with my wife to spell out “Mass Shooting,” I realized a reality of the country in which I live. I’m not disparaging or badmouthing my home in the slightest, but it was something I never imagined I would have to prepare for growing up. It was something I never expected to be required of parenthood in the year 2016 in the United States of America.
As a kid, the biggest “chat” I ever had was with my dad in Red River, New Mexico, overlooking a little creek where he explained, oh you know, “Birds and Bee’s.” But driving home a week ago, I realized he was going to have one more “talk” my dad didn’t have to have with me. “Mass shootings.”
I began to think more and wonder. “Am I making this up?” Then I realized, it wasn’t. You are welcome. It was a talk he needed to have at some point, or else there would be more confusion and panic down the road. Because with any of these “talks” it is about reducing the shock, explaining the subject correctly to reduce the clutter, and making it “normal” even if it is more out of the ordinary.
How to turn the “chatter” of birds and bees into the topic of “mass shootings”?
Although my father had the daunting task of explaining sex to his son in a way that made sense, he explained how it worked and answered any questions that might come up (by the way, you did great, Dad). I realized that I received one more “talk” that will be necessary. I’ll have to figure out what age is “appropriate” to explain how in our country every once in a while one, or maybe two, people will get big guns and kill lots of people.
Excuse me moi?
No offense, but if you ask me, that’s a horrible end to the deal. But for those scratching their heads wondering if I’m right, welcome to the year 2016. I guarantee I’m not the only person my age. having the same understanding that first, we had to explain to our children about “School Shootings” and then “Theater Shootings”, and now we have progressed to just “Mass Shootings”. No rhythm or reason. It can be day or night. A gay club or a hospital for disadvantaged people. No logic or red flags. But know that it will happen unless there are significant changes. Reality? I’ll say it again: Welcome to 2016.
How many years? At what age do I feel my son and begin to explain this issue and build a fictitious moral landscape? Digging deeper and trying to explain some people are very confused. And explaining exactly how these people are able to kill such a large number of people. Now, that part is done and explained. But the hardest part? Follow-up questions. Questions that a young, vibrant and inquisitive mind will conjure up for which most may not be “ready” or prepared.
“Why do they do that?”
“Why is no one stopping them?”
“How do they get a weapon to do that?”
“Can someone not sell you that gun?”
“Where’s next?”
“Did they kill children?”
“Did they kill the mommies and daddies?”
“Did they kill the grandparents?”
“Do we have a weapon?”
“Why do people need weapons?”
Trust me, this is a short list and just the tip of the iceberg of “possible” questions. And to be honest, I have no idea how to answer one of those questions. I’m not even going to pretend. Because?
Because I can’t answer them for myself.
I know how I would love to answer them, but it’s not remotely the country we live in. It should be very clear, but it’s not. At least we haven’t made it clear. We as Americans have made it harder than it should be.
I’m not going to bore myself pulling out facts, statistics and rhetoric that you can find in millions upon thousands of places directly after a mass shooting. But, I leave you with a question that I hope stimulates some seeds in you.
Do we want a country that in 2016 has to decide and find out what age is “appropriate” to explain what a “mass shooting” is? That there is no “Gun Control” and what should you do if, God forbid, you find yourself in an active shooting situation?
Today that is not being “dramatic” or in any way “overreacting”. No. That is being an involved, informed father and preparing his son for what awaits him at his doorstep.
Maybe… Just maybe… Is that enough at last? Let’s do something with the guns. Nobody needs a weapon that can kill 50 people in less than five minutes. That is not right”; that’s crazy