We all do it – what does it cost us?

We are all guilty of it. It is so rampant that it is a multibillion dollar industry. What am I talking about … gossip! We seem to love talking about other people, especially in a negative way, when they are not around. Why? Psychologists say that it begins when we are young and look at the world through the point of view of comparison. If someone does something that we misjudge, somehow that justifies us and makes us better than them, at least in our mind. It is the tool we use to validate ourselves. People in public view, people who are very successful, are often publicly commented on so that we can downgrade them, and we are not so deeply envious of their position or success. It is a normal human reaction.

Although it is normal, it is harmful. Destroy relationships. Destroy work environments. It hurts, it costs you. It can cause you to lose a job, a friendship, a relationship, a loss of opportunities. It is expensive! And if it’s being whispered about you, it can be devastating to your self-esteem if you do. It absolutely changes people’s opinion of the person being gossiped about (even if they didn’t do anything!).

Think of a time when you heard someone else tell you a juicy story about someone else. When you saw that person, wasn’t that story and now your opinion of that person one of the first things you thought of? Think of a time when you gossiped about someone you knew and saw later. Did you experience a bit of guilt or shame when you learned that you had spread gossip about that person?

A few days ago, I found out that some people I thought were my friends were gossiping about me. When I went to them to discuss it, they used the “we were worried about you” excuse. It’s funny, how crazy the excuses sound, right? How does talking about someone behind their back instead of talking to them resolve or support their concern? Of course it is not. However, we don’t like to admit our own human faults. Gossip is one of them and if you can admit it, you can take more positive action.

Have you ever been to a workplace where someone in authority has told you about another employee? Did you experience a bit of excitement, as if you somehow got a position on that other person?

I received a call from a customer on this very topic. He said, “Our department is very toxic.” And when we looked together, what we found was that the gossip was rampant. Why? Perhaps the manager did not experience that they had power and his way of experiencing it was to gossip and feel better.

What you’ll also want to realize is that if that person is gossiping at you, they are probably gossiping about you. It is a habit. And it is a habit that is often very destructive. It is destructive in workplaces, families, and our social circles.

Imagine life, your life, and your workplace if you decided to stop gossiping. What could be a new habit that you create?

How about communication? Here are some alternatives to gossip:

• If you are upset with someone, call or see them and have a conversation to resolve what is bothering you.

• If someone does something great and you experience normal pangs of envy, call them and congratulate them and perhaps ask how they did it. You will grow and learn and that will advance your own success.

• If someone is gossiping at you about another person, invite them to talk to the person about whatever they are gossiping about. You are now breaking the gossip habit and encouraging communication.

• If you do something or something happens that has a potentially negative impact on someone else, don’t wait for them to gossip, just call them and have a conversation and apologize accordingly.

There are many other alternatives to gossip. I invite you to simply examine this habit and see if you want to create other habits that work better for you.