How can I stop having negative thoughts after my husband cheated on me and had an affair?
I recently heard from a wife who had noticed a change in her attitude and worldview after learning of her husband’s affair. She said that she had always been a “glass half full” type of person, but since her husband had cheated on her, she noticed that she had a much more pessimistic view of the world and of human nature.
She said, in part: “I used to have a very optimistic attitude and was a trusting person. But I never saw my husband’s affair coming. I found out later that some of our friends knew about his infidelity, but they never told me.” they said”. or she intervened. As a result, I am suspicious of everyone and constantly think that bad things are going to happen to me. We are actually working on our marriage and making progress, but I guess this isn’t working. enough to calm me because I am always full of doubts and anxiety. For example, if I see my husband as much as talking to another woman, I wonder if he is saying something suggestive. If my husband says something sweet and loving to me, I wonder if it’s his fault he’s talking. If we’re actually having a nice family outing, instead of enjoying it and taking it in, I wonder if we’ll still be together around this time next year. I hate that this is happening to me. I want to be happy and I want to get my positive attitude back, but I just can’t seem to stop all these negative and intrusive thoughts. What I can do?”
These concerns are extremely common. When something as devastating as infidelity happens in your life, it is normal to have some doubts about your intuition, your judgments and your trust. In turn, the anxieties that arise as a result can cloud the way you see the world and can turn your previously optimistic outlook into one of pessimism. This is not a reflection of you. It’s completely understandable. And it is very important that you are able to recognize this. So, in the following article, I will discuss some tips to get rid of the negative outlook and to learn how to think more positively after the cheat or affair.
Acknowledging your negative thoughts after your husband cheats on you or has an affair is very important, but it is only the first step: Obviously, the woman mentioned above not only noticed your negative thinking, but also wanted to change it. This is vitally important. Most of us know women who become very bitter after their husband cheats on them or has an affair and never really recovers. As a result, every relationship they have is affected. They never learn to trust again and are never as happy as they could be because they just can’t, or won’t, let go.
To avoid becoming one of these women, you must not only acknowledge negative thoughts you may be having, but also challenge or redirect them. Because it is a very painful existence if your thoughts only consist of negativity that constantly brings you down or makes you live under a dark cloud. This sucks the joy out of your life. And you don’t deserve that. So make a commitment to not only acknowledge these thoughts, but also to address them. I will discuss how to do it right now.
Learn to immediately challenge or question your negative thoughts and anxieties as they occur: The most important thing you can do is learn to not only notice the negative thought when it arises, but also to challenge or question it right away. For example, the women who wrote to me often had doubts about her husband’s love and commitment to her. I often had thoughts like, “Who are you kidding? You know she’s going to fool you again.” Or “you know that she will eventually leave you”.
I suggested that she challenge these thoughts when they arise. She might respond with a thought like “if that’s true, why is she in our house right now?” Or “if she didn’t want to be with me, she wouldn’t have come home and she wouldn’t still be there.” She also had many destructive thoughts about her family. Sometimes they were on a family outing and she was paralyzed by the fear that in a year, she and her husband would be divorced and her family would be separated. I suggested that when she had these thoughts she challenged them with something like: “Today I am going to enjoy myself with my family. My children will always have two dads who love them very much and I will do everything in my power to ensure that we stay together. Beyond that, I’m not going to worry because I know that I can handle whatever comes my way and that I will always put the well-being of my children first.”
See a theme here? You take the thoughts and turn them around with ease and self-confidence. You have to strengthen yourself and know that you are a confident, capable and remarkable woman. Eventually, she learns that she will handle whatever comes her way and vows to resolve this and ensure that her life unfolds as she should because she has conducted herself with integrity and intention.
Surround yourself with whatever (and whoever) makes you feel peace, trust, and security: I know the phrase “misery loves company” is a cliché, but it’s not uncommon to reach out to friends or acquaintances who are familiar with our own struggles. In other words, we are more likely to reach out to friends who have dealt with an affair or been unfaithful in their own marriage. And I have to tell you that sometimes this turns out to be a good thing that supports you, but a lot of times it doesn’t.
It’s not always a good idea to surround yourself with people whose marriages didn’t work out after an affair or who still haven’t recovered. This is just the kind of booster you don’t need and can’t afford right now. Instead, look for people who have survived the adventure and come out stronger on the other side. Listen to those who lift you up and strengthen you instead of those who bring you down.
This applies as much to things and activities as it does to people. It is very important that you focus on those things that bring you comfort and confidence. Do whatever it takes to build yourself up and banish those things that bring you down. Strive every day to feel good about yourself. The more you are surrounded by positive people and things, the more likely it is that your thoughts and attitude reflect this. And, when you have challenging thoughts or days, you will have this positive environment to strengthen you and help you recover.