What is a fair deadline for my spouse to finish the affair?

I cannot think of a time in my life when I have felt as much pain as when my husband had an affair. I can’t imagine it would be much worse than this, unless that same husband refused to end the affair. Unfortunately, I hear of many wives in this situation. They learn that her husband has been cheating on them and assume that he will agree to end it and pick up the pieces. When he doesn’t do this and insists that he “needs time” to end the affair, it’s almost like throwing salt on an extremely painful wound.

Comments you might hear in this situation are something like, “I found out about my husband’s affair from his best friend. He’s known my husband since they were kids. But once my husband and I got married, this man also became a close friend. This man didn’t want to betray my husband, but he felt he had to tell me the truth. developed real feelings for the other woman. And that he “needed time” to assess what he wanted to do moving forward. Well, I don’t think he deserves time. If he loved me and this marriage was important to him, then he should be able to decide in an instant to end the affair. I’m surprised he refuses to do this. My question is, how much time should I give him to end the affair? My gut tells me to give him a week, but my best friend said I shouldn’t give him any time. She says that she should tell him to pick me up right away or leave and never come back. She said that if he really loves me, then he should be able to make that decision right away. Who has the reason? How much time should I give it? It hurts me a lot to know that he is going to be with her.”

Before I give you what is just my opinion, I have to say that I am not a therapist. This is probably a more appropriate question for a professional who has some knowledge of the pair. But as a woman who has been through this, I can share my opinion. If my opinion sounds false to you or you don’t share my thought, feel free to reject it.

Having said all this, it is my experience and observation that ultimatums like this never work quite right. Sure, you can get their attention momentarily, and you may even agree to end the affair because you feel compelled to. But he may not stick with it because he himself did not make this decision voluntarily. And he may resent you or be angry with you for forcing this. He may even tell you that he broke it up while he still sees or communicates with the other woman behind your back because he feels compelled to.

Neither of these scenarios is ideal. So what can you do besides continue to feel pain while you wait for him to make a decision? Well, you can turn up the pressure your way. You can let him know that while he makes a decision, you won’t be as accessible to him as he would expect a spouse to be. Because really, how can you participate in a marriage when there is someone else involved in it? It is not likely that he will make any real progress toward healing his marriage until she has left him. But, for the best result, that decision should be yours. And it is a decision that is better for him and only him to make.

So you could respond with something like, “I’m not sure why you would need time to decide to do the right thing. I find this very disappointing and it may give me insight into your commitment to our marriage. While you make up your mind, I will work on myself as an individual. I cannot fully participate in our marriage if I don’t know what the outcome will be and if I doubt your commitment to it. So I can’t force you to make a decision in any given period of time. But what I can tell you is that while you’re taking Make Up, I won’t be actively involved in it.” our marriage. I can’t trust you if you don’t put that faith in our marriage, commit to me, and do the right thing. So let me know when you make a decision. Until then, I’ll just be working on myself.”

Of course, it goes without saying that this usually means no physical intimacy or affection. Because what incentive would he have to end the affair if he’s getting what he wants from both women? However, if you limit their access to you while you are making this decision, then you will have much more motivation to finish it because there is a consequence for you to make a quick decision.

So to answer the question posed, I think I would try this approach before giving an ultimatum or deadline. Because the best case scenario is that he voluntarily decides to end the affair.